Thursday, October 7, 2010


end of story.
 I want to be driving the Kankamanugus highway with my stero blasting, getting honey crisp apples from Ellies on the side of the road, having bonfires in the middle of nowwhere late at night, cruises, creepy bridges, haunted forest, beautiful leaves, Pollys Pancakes, walking everywhere, podunk montpelier, Chruch Street, Freezing temperatures, snowboarding with my Dirty Rabbits crew, Praying that my 89 Jetta wouldnt die on the mtns,

and soooo many amazing friends who will forever be a part of my life.

this seaside thing only cuts it for so long.
someone help?

<3 Courtney

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Wake The Dead

So, Yeah, it has been a while. Sorry Guys..

I tend to fall in and out of my blogs, but hey, at least I came back to this one, and didnt go off into wonderland and create a new one! heh.

Anyway. So, I have been in my "I dont know where I belong" funk for a few months now, and let me tell you, the giant abyss keeps getting bigger. I undertake a ton of stress and pressure from almost everyone around me. My parents mostly. I'm not sure why, but its like no matter what I am doing, it is not pleasing. I went to college, and have graduated (kinda), I live on my own (with derek) and Im not starving to death...I recently moved into a townhome, and take care of  2 dogs and a cat...But hellllooo, the economy = blows ass. I dont even like waking up in the morning and knowing I have to go slave away in a kitchen. I am an artist, and I want to stay an artist. Its what I am good at. I dream of opening my own bakery, but its impossible to find a job in one right now, so okay, I have two jobs that dont have anything to do with baking, but at least I have two jobs, (that I have a lot of fun at) rather than sitting around waiting for a magical job to pop up. It just dosent happen like that. I have a friend who is an amazing actor, when to school for it in NYC, but works two jobs, one with me, and another at McDonalds. I have a friend who is an insane artist and has a degree in it, but works with me at the haunted house, and at a miniature golf course. Its just the way the world is. Sorry mom & dad, I am only 20 years can not expect me to have some amazing career already in place, so please stop pressuring me to. I mean, my mom didnt go to college until she was in her late 20's or 30's, and my dad has a degree in history, and has never had a job that has anything to do with history. I have my degree, sorry Im just trying to survive in the world rather than living in the gutter and having a "career".

bah. I have a list of things I want to do...I want to get engaged, I want to travel Europe (even backpacking) , I want to get more tattoos, I want to successful sell my photos in a craft fair, I want to open my own bakery... the  list goes on and on.
We all want things, and as kids our parents tell us that we can do whatever we want...Well, no, we cant. The world likes to get in your face and remind you that everything costs money, and no one is just going to give you the money it takes to do things. So you spend your time at shitty little jobs like a haunted house, or a doggie day care, to make the money it takes to do these things.

So, dearly demented monkey on back, please
Get the fuck off.


Monday, April 12, 2010

Musty Sweetness

If I had a dollar for every time I have written about depression, well, I wouldn't be having such money worries.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was a freshman in high school, and despite what other people might say, it is something that you deal with your entire life, even if your on medication. Its not something that magically goes away if you get married, or get a promotion, or some other event that makes you incredibly happy. It like the dark little raven that always sits on your shoulder, whispering in your ear. The feelings of sadness, being alone, and just not being able to feel happy about anything you look at, follows you around.

Im suffering....I'm trying my hardest not to, I really want to be happy. I have to hide my unemployment from my parents, because I dont think I could mentally handle their response to it. I sit at home, digging on the internet to the point of bloody finger tips, looking for a job...going to places, and being laughed at, or thinking your interview went well, and never hearing from them again. I thought getting a dog would help me stay happy, but when he turns on me and tears my ankles apart, its hard to be happy. My boyfriend makes enough money for us to get by, for now....but how long untill we can't make it anymore?

My boyfriend is my rock, that hold me together. He is the only person who can tell me that things will be okay, and for a few minutes at least, I believe him. Laying in bed with him at night, with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me, I feel safe, but still empty. it has nothing to do with him, he is the one person I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without. Its just the sadness, overwhelmingly eating at me.

I wish I knew everything really was going to be okay...

Monday, April 5, 2010

Right and Wrong Places

So, a semi-light hearted update?
We (Derek and I) have had our world turned upside down. Now if I knew you wanted to sit around and read about how we love SC, bought a new tv, and hate our jobs, I would. BUT, thats another story for another time, and not what this blog is about.

Instead, I think Ill blab about the pressure to fit in.

see. Even Stupidfox and his friends feel pressure to fit in.

Why is it so important for human beings, especially young ones, to have a "right place" in the world? Personally, I dont know that there is a right place for me. Maybe laying on my stomach on the warm sand of the beach, staring into the never-ending reaches of the ocean. Yeah, I think if I have a right place, it is there.

Obviously, I am to strongheaded to be the bitch in a kitchen. I know you have to do it to become a great chef, and blah blah blah...But does anyone remember that my dream is not necessarily to be a chef? No, I want to start my own / (hopefully) The first 100% Dessert and Pastry Art centered magazine...Or be a famed food writer. So, I dont think I deserve all the crap I catch from being actually standing up for myself and knowing that I obviously dont stand in, and dont want to come into work everyday and be out-of-my-mind miserable every waking second. I want to learn, I want to be happy, and I dont want my work to be only about getting a paycheck. So what if I have to take a $1.50 cut from my old paycheck, to be a little happier?

Also, I hope to enter a few pieces of my work into a photography contest at the end of the month. The prize money isn't huge, but it would sure be a nice confidence boost, in a lacking time.

well. my cat is demanding my attention, and ive been meaning to get to my chores for a while.
hope everyone is well.
Share thoughts on "fitting in"?

Friday, March 5, 2010

6 Impossible Things.

I could go on for hours and paragraphs about how much I am in love with Alice In Wonderland. But I wont. Ill just say....Its life.

In fact, Im fighting the urge to roll around on the ground and tear at myself until grey and electric blue fur appears instead of skin, and I can float around singing nonsense. Im also fighting to not bust out a sketch pad and draw the ideas of Alice inspired cakes, desserts, buffets, and well, anything really. Well....I shouldn't fight that...But my sketchbook is lost in the abyss of packed-ness.

But, in the spirit, Im creating my own list of 6 Impossible Things to believe in.
1. My boyfriend is the one I will spend the rest of my life with.
2. I will be successful in whatever I want to do. 
3. I will be happy.
4. Everything happens for a reason
5. I will learn to eat more food
6. I will be known for something.

None of these things are actually impossible... because if its anything Alice In Wonderland teaches us, its nothing is impossible.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

What the hell is Low Country?

I really am tired of the cold and the winter. Do not get me wrong, I am an avid snowboarder and snowbunny...But, Ive had my fill. 6 months ago my gang and I were walking to the dinning hall at New England Culinary Institute, kicking the brown grass underneath our feet, praying for the ground to be covered with the good stuff. But now, I'm craving sun, sand, and well all those touristy things they advertise on the Charlestons Visitors Guide website. But, due to reasons completely beyond my control, I'm stuck in the snow a little longer. Oh well. The company is good anyway ( <3 )

So anyways. Pondering again the Charleston website, what the hell is Low Country? Especially Low Country Cuisine? Anyone? I know the south, and I know comfort food. Same thing, right? Mashed Potatoes, Cornbread, Gritts, Biscuits, Gravy, Beans, Craw-fish, Oysters, Lobster....did I cover everything? Either way, it sounds damn good. This will be my second experience in Fine Dinning, and as much as I really want to learn as much as I can about it, lets face it, fine dinning food = not so beuno. I cant speak for everyone of course, because I am not wealthy and can not ritually go out to 5 diamond restaurants and eat $90 steaks. If you do live that lifestyle, I congratulate you. Your life must be wonderful. Anyways, its more of a curious event for me. Having my paws on such fine food, going to such fine people. Food in which the ingredients cost more than I probably make in a day. Same goes to most of the chefs who work in fine dinning, who leave thier shift and go pick up the greasiest, nastiest, left over burger from a joint down the street. Now that, is comfort food.  

What was this about?
Oh right, Low Country Food.
So, I consider this a journey. A journey to the so called, un-explored, "Low Country". I want the best tasting, living, breathing, bleeding, southern food thrown at me. I know my boyfriend will add something to this about being an extreamly picky eater, and having crappy dietary restrictions, but I still want to explore.
This is will be a new journey, moving to a new area. Completed in culinary school, with a degree in Pastry Arts. Bring it on South Carolina.
I Dare You.