Monday, April 12, 2010

Musty Sweetness

If I had a dollar for every time I have written about depression, well, I wouldn't be having such money worries.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was a freshman in high school, and despite what other people might say, it is something that you deal with your entire life, even if your on medication. Its not something that magically goes away if you get married, or get a promotion, or some other event that makes you incredibly happy. It like the dark little raven that always sits on your shoulder, whispering in your ear. The feelings of sadness, being alone, and just not being able to feel happy about anything you look at, follows you around.

Im suffering....I'm trying my hardest not to, I really want to be happy. I have to hide my unemployment from my parents, because I dont think I could mentally handle their response to it. I sit at home, digging on the internet to the point of bloody finger tips, looking for a job...going to places, and being laughed at, or thinking your interview went well, and never hearing from them again. I thought getting a dog would help me stay happy, but when he turns on me and tears my ankles apart, its hard to be happy. My boyfriend makes enough money for us to get by, for now....but how long untill we can't make it anymore?

My boyfriend is my rock, that hold me together. He is the only person who can tell me that things will be okay, and for a few minutes at least, I believe him. Laying in bed with him at night, with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me, I feel safe, but still empty. it has nothing to do with him, he is the one person I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without. Its just the sadness, overwhelmingly eating at me.

I wish I knew everything really was going to be okay...

1 comment:

CT said...

Derek has the bad habit of being right way to much. But in this instance, it's a good thing, because he is right, everything will be ok. I know damn well that yeah you've dealt with depression for awhile, but I know you're strong enough to get through it and get back to the good times. Court you are an amazingly creative girl and you will succeed at whatever you want, because you're one of those people that will just find a way to make it work if you really really want it.
as your pseudo-brother, i'm telling you to cheer up.
I miss your smiling face, I need to come down and visit

Love you!