Musty Sweetness

If I had a dollar for every time I have written about depression, well, I wouldn't be having such money worries.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was a freshman in high school, and despite what other people might say, it is something that you deal with your entire life, even if your on medication. Its not something that magically goes away if you get married, or get a promotion, or some other event that makes you incredibly happy. It like the dark little raven that always sits on your shoulder, whispering in your ear. The feelings of sadness, being alone, and just not being able to feel happy about anything you look at, follows you around.

Im suffering....I'm trying my hardest not to, I really want to be happy. I have to hide my unemployment from my parents, because I dont think I could mentally handle their response to it. I sit at home, digging on the internet to the point of bloody finger tips, looking for a job...going to places, and being laughed at, or thinking your interview went well, and never hearing from them again. I thought getting a dog would help me stay happy, but when he turns on me and tears my ankles apart, its hard to be happy. My boyfriend makes enough money for us to get by, for now....but how long untill we can't make it anymore?

My boyfriend is my rock, that hold me together. He is the only person who can tell me that things will be okay, and for a few minutes at least, I believe him. Laying in bed with him at night, with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me, I feel safe, but still empty. it has nothing to do with him, he is the one person I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without. Its just the sadness, overwhelmingly eating at me.

I wish I knew everything really was going to be okay...

Right and Wrong Places

So, a semi-light hearted update?
We (Derek and I) have had our world turned upside down. Now if I knew you wanted to sit around and read about how we love SC, bought a new tv, and hate our jobs, I would. BUT, thats another story for another time, and not what this blog is about.

Instead, I think Ill blab about the pressure to fit in.

see. Even Stupidfox and his friends feel pressure to fit in.

Why is it so important for human beings, especially young ones, to have a "right place" in the world? Personally, I dont know that there is a right place for me. Maybe laying on my stomach on the warm sand of the beach, staring into the never-ending reaches of the ocean. Yeah, I think if I have a right place, it is there.

Obviously, I am to strongheaded to be the bitch in a kitchen. I know you have to do it to become a great chef, and blah blah blah...But does anyone remember that my dream is not necessarily to be a chef? No, I want to start my own / (hopefully) The first 100% Dessert and Pastry Art centered magazine...Or be a famed food writer. So, I dont think I deserve all the crap I catch from being actually standing up for myself and knowing that I obviously dont stand in, and dont want to come into work everyday and be out-of-my-mind miserable every waking second. I want to learn, I want to be happy, and I dont want my work to be only about getting a paycheck. So what if I have to take a $1.50 cut from my old paycheck, to be a little happier?

Also, I hope to enter a few pieces of my work into a photography contest at the end of the month. The prize money isn't huge, but it would sure be a nice confidence boost, in a lacking time.

well. my cat is demanding my attention, and ive been meaning to get to my chores for a while.
hope everyone is well.
Share thoughts on "fitting in"?